Back
FIND A COACH IN YOUR AREA
 
BEFORE CALLING IT QUITS - CONSULT
by David Coleman
Dear Dating Doctor: We (three thirty-something women) decided to write you a group letter. We're all in the process of breaking up, or are perilously close to ending established relationships with our men. What's your opinion about placing expectations on those we date? If we're not happy, should we just call it quits?

Signed,

Tri-ing to decide

Dear Tri-ing:

According to fellow journalist Tananarive Due, "you can't find what you really want until you know what you are looking for." If your present relationships don't pan out , this will not inhibit you from bringing expectations into future relationships. Why? It's the same reason that we don't go see a horrible movie twice (can anyone say Tin Cup?). We learn from our mistakes and make better decisions the second time around.

It is a natural human reaction to place expectations on others. Over time, we learn what we do and don't like, and what we will and won't compromise on. Is this fair? Yes, as long as your expectations are flexible and allow for human imperfection. Expectations are a two-way street however, thus you need to consider what your partner's are for you and whether or not you are living up to them.

A problem can arise when we begin to doubt our own judgment due to a lack of self-confidence. According to Tananarive, "single adults often get labeled as quitters when it comes to relationships. They tend to be individualistic, aren't willing to stick relationships out, aren't willing to try, and retreat at the first inconvenience or crisis." In many cases that's true. But the fact is that it is OK to give up sometimes. "It's hard to tell people that, especially when the pain is real --and they're fighting so valiantly --but there is something liberating about a fresh start. It is a chance to create a more effortless and compatible relationship."

But how do you know when it would be more merciful to separate? From a woman's perspective, the answer is clear. It is simply called, "The List." Make a list of your basic needs and honestly ask yourself how many are being met by your partner.

Start off with the words, "my partner must . . ." and add a few of these:
  •       Display an interest in my life and make me a priority.
  •      Loathe dishonesty.
  •       Know when to apologize, but not use it as a recurring crutch.
  •       Know that a relationship is a process; not a fixed state.
  •       Never mistake kindness for weakness.
  •       Teach me his expectations. And respect mine.
  •       Never run, or try to drive me away, for fear of losing or committing to me.
  •       Revel in mutual touching.
  •       Never try to win an argument by belittling me.
Understand that I need time to myself --but that I still expect meaningful interaction on a regular basis.

 Before you call it quits, mull over your options. A short separation could help, as might a calm and controlled conversation about the things you each can and can't, or will and won't change. But never accept second best. You'll develop a tendency to do that the rest of your life. Fight on as long as you know there is something worth fighting for.
ARTICLE BY: More articles by David Coleman
Coaches
Name  David Coleman
Location  Loveland, Ohio
Web-site  Dating Doctor Website
Years experience  10

Choose a photographer

Learn More

30 minutes free coaching!

Dating coaches Anthony and Melanie ClarkOrder your photo shoot today and get a free phone consultation with top dating coaches Melanie & Anthony Clark!

Tell me more »

Sponsors